Can you say, Side Effects?

Oh my... I am SO incredibly tired... all the time... doesn't matter what I do, where I go, what I eat. Just constantly tired. How are you supposed to have a life like this? all I want to do is lay down, all the time. But I can't always sleep.

I've been waking up ridiculously early every day (4:30-6AM) and lay there watching the room spin. I've found my nausea is the worst first thing in the morning. I feel like if I move a muscle I am going to vomit. So I usually pop one of my anti-nausea pills first thing in the morning. I keep it in the armoire right beside my bed so i don't have to move far. I also take my gout medication at the same time.

My cough isn't any better. I almost vomit a few time a day just from coughing. I am really surprised they still treated me. We will see if I can overcome this cold or if they will have to give me more meds.

My ears have been aching too. Going to have to record this in my journal for the doctor.

Side note: I brought P home yesterday. I am so happy I did. I missed her too much. We went for a little hack today and she had me hysterically laughing. For some strange reason she was moving in slow motion. LOL I actually had to use spurs to get her to move on. She's too funny. She took care of me. I love my pony, She's amazing.

And So The Journey Begins

Ah, the post you have all been waiting for. The results of my very first day as a chemotherapy patient at LRCP.

Well, my morning started off with a screaming alarm clock at 7AM... this being after I stayed up until 3:30AM playing with my new ipod. HEHE! procrastinating to see if I could make today disappear. It didn't work.

Mr. Reggie Robins picked my sorry ass up at 8AM and took me over to Sarah Hern's house in woodstock. She was ready with snacks for both of us. I drove her neon to the appointment and we managed to get there in due time.

Had blood work done as soon as I got there, filled out my kiosk (it asks a bunch of questions to help the doctors gauge your well-being) and waited to meet with my primary nurse, Nancy, and my Oncologist who is supposed to be Dr. Chin-Yee but yet again I met with a doctor I had never met before. Bright side? he was cute! with FANTASTIC teeth. me = jealous.

FINALLY got some of my questions answered. I am in stage 3B advanced bulky H.L. They are going to do six-eight rounds (12-16 treatments, two a month for 6-8 months) give me six weeks of recovery the approximately 4 weeks of radiation treatment. At best, i will be back to work in 8 months, but most likely looking at 12-14 months before I am able to work again. BLAH! this sucks. :(

Doctor gave me notes I required for my tax relief application, gave me a prescription to prevent gout and addressed all of my concerns. He assured me that I WILL lose my hair, especially with how vigorous this treatment is. mohawk here I come! ;) He sent me over to chemotherapy reception with some forms and I signed myself in. While sitting, and attempting to wait patiently the sweats kicked in, the nerves hit the roof. I wanted to go home. I asked Sarah on several occasions if I could just go home. I didn't want to walk into a room, stick out my arm and willingly let some nurse poison me. Are you joking?!

Sure enough my pager went off long before I could convince Sarah it was time to go. A really nice RN named Haley met me at the doorway to hell... I couldn't turn back now. As Rodney Atkins says "If you're going through hell, keep on going. Don't look back, if you're scared don't show it! you might get out 'fore the devil even knows you're there!" I grumped my way over to my bed, looking around me as I went... I must have been the youngest person there by 20 years at best. I felt like a child.

Haley was really great with me. Giving me lots of time to prepare for my IV, warming my arm up. Seemed genuinely interested in what I do for a living and just a general nice person. She went over all the medications with me. And OFF we were. First, "the red devil" AKA Adriamycin. It came in a rather large syringe and was force fed into my IV.

Next up: Viznblastine. This came in a considerably smaller syringe, but also needed to be force fed. those two were done in no time, next two are your wait time.

Next: Bleomycin. It's a small bag that is dripped directly into my vein. When the drip is complete and alarm goes off and they flush my vein with saline.

Last, but certainly not least: Dastardly Dacarbazine. It's a much large bag that comes out and needs to drip for anywhere from 1 - 2 hours depending on what your veins can handle. Dacarbazine is very irritating to the vein so they have to splice it with Saline. This was the only drug that caused me any grief. It felt like someone was ripping at the inside of my veins. The had to reduce the dosage twice before it was comfortable. ICK.

In the mean time I've found cards to be great at passing the time. Sarah and I played a few rounds of crazy eights and a few of Go-Fish. I had the Pod on me and in general the experience really wasn't that bad. Not what I had anticipated anyway. The needles still suck, but I think they will always suck. I can feel that my body wants to feel ill but I continually take my anti-nausea pills they prescribed for me. I think I will be ok... For now. We will see how I feel tomorrow.

I am going to try to attach the photos from the day.

Where's the "easy" button?

WOAH WOAH WOAH!

My life has suddenly launched into fast forward and I am totally not ready for this....

I get a call from LRCP today...

"Hi, may I please speak to Melissa?"

"This is."

"Hi, this is Dr. Chin-Yee's office calling with some appointments for you"

"Umm.. I had a call from Dr. Lohmann's office yesterday with a few appointments..."

"Yes, some adjustments have been made. The doctors want you to start treatment immediately. So you have your CT scan tomorrow afternoon, then we need you to be at LRCP Thursday the 20th at 9:30 AM for blood work, then you will meet with doctor Lohmann AND doctor Chin-Yee at 10:15 AM and then we are going to send you over for treatment at 11:30AM. "

"....oh... Ok.... Uh... Does that mean I will need a driver?"

"yes. Thanks Melissa, we will see you next week."

AHHH!

I don't want to go.... Does anyone want to go for me? I had asked Sarah to come with me next week thinking I would only be going over treatment plans etc. She can't drive standard so she can't drive me home. AHH AHH

Where is the "easy" button?!?!?!

Gone but also.. forgotten?!

Oh boy, oh boy....

SO latest news on this whole cancer shin-dig? LRCP FORGOT ME.

Yep, you read right, FORGOT me.

Apparently they conveniently forgot to inform me of a CT scan that I was to have LAST WEEK. wow. good job LRCP.

It took me calling the centre, over two weeks after my gallium scan to say "hey, umm... I thought I was supposed to have another appointment with doctor lohmann like, last week. wtf is up?" for them to go "OH YA! hey, you missed your appointment that we never confirmed or called you about" ...idiots...

So, I get a call today, they want me in thursday for my CT scan and then a week later, on thursday for my second appointment at LRCP. I had plans thursday to spend the day with my pony. I guess that will have to be cut short. phooey.

"Just a Horse"

From time to time, people tell me, 'lighten up, it's just a horse,' or, 'that's a lot of money for just a horse'. They don't understand the distance traveled, the time spent, or the costs involved for 'just a horse.'
Some of my proudest moments have come about with 'just a horse.' Many hours have passed and my only company was 'just a horse,' but I did not once feel slighted.
Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by 'just a horse,' and in those days of darkness, the gentle touch of 'just a horse' gave me comfort and reason to overcome the dark.
Those who think it's 'just a horse,' probably also use phrases like 'just a friend,' 'just a sunrise,' or 'just a promise.' 'Just a horse' brings into my life the very essence of friendship, trust, and pure unbridled joy. 'Just a horse' brings out the compassion and patience that makes me a better person.
Because of 'just a horse' I rise early, take long walks, and look longingly to the future. So for me and folks like me, it's not 'just a horse' but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future, the fond memories of the past, and the pure joy of the moment.
'Just a horse' brings out what's good in me and diverts my thoughts away from myself and the worries of the day.
I hope that someday others have the opportunity to understand that it's not 'just a horse' but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being 'just a woman.'
So the next time you hear the phrase 'just a horse,' smile. You are one of the blessed few who understands.

-Author Unknown-

I thought I would post this poem today as i've been told many times along the way that I spend too much money on P. That P takes too much of my "precious time" (no pun intended), That my life should not revolve around a single horse. To that I say my life is forever changed and enriched because of that single horse. She brings to me happiness that I could not find embodied in anything other than her. We communicate on a level that only we can understand. She provides me with unconditional love. I know, without a doubt, that i can trust her with anything and that our partnership is not one that can ever be broken. I am a better person just by knowing her. Only few will ever understand the bond between me and "just a horse".

I have yet to hear anything from the cancer centre regarding my scan. I will call them monday as I hate waiting around. What the hell is the hold up? I am more than half tempted to just go back to work. I am getting bored and irritated just waiting around.

I went to the states last weekend. Was quite funny I set off alarms at the border because of my nuclear isotopes that had been injected a week prior. Danielle and i ate at Olive Garden (my first time) OMG SO yummy. I'd definitely go back again.
Went for Dinner with Tyrone, aka "vin" on thursday. Applebee's. Yum. :) all my other plans for the week fell through because of one reason or another. Weather, timing, illness.

I've been feeling rather awful this week. Also been having some serious issues with my hip. It's now causing my leg to give out randomly. Usually when i go from a seated or lying position to standing and walking. It almost feels like the blood is taking too long to get to my muscles and my leg just gives out. Hopefully this problem is solved once treatment starts.