Fashionably Late

Boy, I haven't updated this thing in ages huh?

Last real update was my second treatment... That was several months ago! hmm... I think I might need a swift kick in the ass to keep updating this thing as per-usual.

My life hasn't changed much really. I shaved my head and look less lesbian. I guess that's not such a bad thing?

My Treatments are getting harder and harder to cope with though. I've been vomiting a lot and just the thought of Chemo turns my stomach, along with many other things such as red meat, smells, sounds....

I am supposed to get a PICC line on tuesday, then I will have treatment on Thursday. I am not looking forward to either one. I have my CT scan on September 1st though, so I will finally find out how long it is I will be receiving the Chemo.

I met with my Radiologist at my last treatment. I will be receiving radiation one a day for five days straight for a total of four weeks. They are going to go all down from my neck to my diaphragm and do some to my right lung. I will have to start screening for breast cancer around the age of 35 because the radiation can cause other types of cancer further down the line. Seems almost pointless to get the radiation in the first place if that's the case!! I'd rather have Hodgkin's than breast cancer... *sigh*

Precious got a pair of front shoes on thursday. She is quite happy with them and already I notice a difference in the way she moves. She also had a chiropractor adjust her a few weeks ago and she's still receiving bowen ever other week. I am interested in trying bowen for myself just to get a general idea of how P is benefitting from it.

Side Note: Carey Hart (Pink's Husband) had GORGEOUS veneers. I want them. wait, I want veneers period. I think they're so pretty...

It's about time!

I have been tardy on my blog updates. Apologies everyone! I'm a busy girl.... ya, that's right.

Life hasn't changed much. Still need expensive pills, still trying to keep occupied and play with my pony on a regular basis. Good news, she's feeling MUCH better. As she exhibited while jumping/bucking/bolting around. Silly horse.

I chopped my hair off... Like, really chopped it off. Have a somewhat faux-hawk thing going on. Definitely look like my brother. EW. My hair was falling out rapidly and it was so bloody hot, I needed it off. It was a good choice. Just takes a lot of getting used to. I miss my long, hot hair! But hey, fresh start right? literally.

My co-workers at the lab did some more fantastic things. They stock my cupboard so much much non-perishable food items that I am pretty sure I can take care of the entire road for a week or two if there is ever a natural disaster. Thanks guys!

Fight One, Round Two

So I went for my second treatment about a week ago. I've been a little lazy when it comes to updates so I will apologize here.

My mom took me to my treatment this go-round... My god she's irritating. Of course they had to be WAY behind (3.5 hours to be exact) so I had to spend something like 10 agonizing hours with her. BLAH! don't want to do that again. She talks to the nurses about shit they don't even care about.

Anyway, aside from nearly pulling my hair out the entire time, it went OK I suppose. My neutrophils are super low (supposed to be around 1.5 and I believe the doc said I am at 0.4) I had a choice to get treated with Neupogen and wait until the following week for treatment or go ahead with treatment and join a clinical study. I chose the cheaper route of get treatment anyway! The cancer centre closes up at 6PM. I was, of course, still sitting in the Chemo Suite receiving the last, and most painful drug (decarbazine) and the nurses were in a bit of a tiff because they "close at six". Well I'm sorry lady but guess what? NOT MY PROBLEM. THIS DRUG IS PAINFUL. MY comfort far exceeds your lack of patience. So suck it up and turn my decarbazine down. NOW. Thank you.

They gave me a new drug for my nausea.... These ones work really well, but holy crap they are EXPENSIVE!! 20 pills cost 250$.... EEK! My mom paid for it. I'll have to pay her back when the insurance company pays me. Hopefully I don't have to refill TOO often.

My side effects have been a little more irritating/painful this time. My nausea was under control, and my fatigue was alright. The mouth pain kicked in Saturday and is still lingering today. it starts as an all over mouth ache, and it get deep into my jaw and that's where it sits lingering. A friend who works at a pharmacy spoke with the oncological pharmacist and apparently the deep pain is not normal. So I am going to have to talk to my Oncologist about it next thursday. I've also had deep ear aching and sat/sun I have massive breast swelling. Like, these babies were large and hard. hurt like a mother ****er!! They've since gone down but wowzer! I've also had sporadic chest/heart pain and soreness around my IV site. All must be discussed with the docs. BLAH!

Other than all the side effects crap I have been trying to keep busy. playing with my pony, cleaning... I haven't walked the dog in a while. I know.. I am terrible.

Dearest Toad:

I would like to send my greatest condolences to the Toad family. I took Mr. Toad's life with the lawn tractor on Monday. I am gravely apologetic...

I swear, I haven't been this stressed ever in my life. I think I've cried about six times today. Why do I have to be sick? WHY ME?

I talked to a woman yesterday who had the same staging/treatment regime as I will be receiving. She told me that when all was said and done she had spent FOURTY-SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS on medication. Are you freaking kidding me?! I can't afford that. My work only covers up to 5000$ a year... I just want to stop now. I want to stop worrying about how I am going to make rent, and pay for groceries. My insurance on my car went up: if I want to drive insured it's going to cost me 199.68 a month. Seriously? like, seriously? FML AND I have a good record!!

I never thought i'd ever say this again in my life (I was once in a very dark place) but I really, REALLY, REALLY.... REALLY HATE MY LIFE. If it wasn't for "P" I don't know what I would do. That horse has saved my life too many times. But now she's mysteriously head shy. my life sucks. For all who ever wished to be me, DON'T.

Anyone have the winning lotto numbers for me?

FML.

The end.

Can you say, Side Effects?

Oh my... I am SO incredibly tired... all the time... doesn't matter what I do, where I go, what I eat. Just constantly tired. How are you supposed to have a life like this? all I want to do is lay down, all the time. But I can't always sleep.

I've been waking up ridiculously early every day (4:30-6AM) and lay there watching the room spin. I've found my nausea is the worst first thing in the morning. I feel like if I move a muscle I am going to vomit. So I usually pop one of my anti-nausea pills first thing in the morning. I keep it in the armoire right beside my bed so i don't have to move far. I also take my gout medication at the same time.

My cough isn't any better. I almost vomit a few time a day just from coughing. I am really surprised they still treated me. We will see if I can overcome this cold or if they will have to give me more meds.

My ears have been aching too. Going to have to record this in my journal for the doctor.

Side note: I brought P home yesterday. I am so happy I did. I missed her too much. We went for a little hack today and she had me hysterically laughing. For some strange reason she was moving in slow motion. LOL I actually had to use spurs to get her to move on. She's too funny. She took care of me. I love my pony, She's amazing.

And So The Journey Begins

Ah, the post you have all been waiting for. The results of my very first day as a chemotherapy patient at LRCP.

Well, my morning started off with a screaming alarm clock at 7AM... this being after I stayed up until 3:30AM playing with my new ipod. HEHE! procrastinating to see if I could make today disappear. It didn't work.

Mr. Reggie Robins picked my sorry ass up at 8AM and took me over to Sarah Hern's house in woodstock. She was ready with snacks for both of us. I drove her neon to the appointment and we managed to get there in due time.

Had blood work done as soon as I got there, filled out my kiosk (it asks a bunch of questions to help the doctors gauge your well-being) and waited to meet with my primary nurse, Nancy, and my Oncologist who is supposed to be Dr. Chin-Yee but yet again I met with a doctor I had never met before. Bright side? he was cute! with FANTASTIC teeth. me = jealous.

FINALLY got some of my questions answered. I am in stage 3B advanced bulky H.L. They are going to do six-eight rounds (12-16 treatments, two a month for 6-8 months) give me six weeks of recovery the approximately 4 weeks of radiation treatment. At best, i will be back to work in 8 months, but most likely looking at 12-14 months before I am able to work again. BLAH! this sucks. :(

Doctor gave me notes I required for my tax relief application, gave me a prescription to prevent gout and addressed all of my concerns. He assured me that I WILL lose my hair, especially with how vigorous this treatment is. mohawk here I come! ;) He sent me over to chemotherapy reception with some forms and I signed myself in. While sitting, and attempting to wait patiently the sweats kicked in, the nerves hit the roof. I wanted to go home. I asked Sarah on several occasions if I could just go home. I didn't want to walk into a room, stick out my arm and willingly let some nurse poison me. Are you joking?!

Sure enough my pager went off long before I could convince Sarah it was time to go. A really nice RN named Haley met me at the doorway to hell... I couldn't turn back now. As Rodney Atkins says "If you're going through hell, keep on going. Don't look back, if you're scared don't show it! you might get out 'fore the devil even knows you're there!" I grumped my way over to my bed, looking around me as I went... I must have been the youngest person there by 20 years at best. I felt like a child.

Haley was really great with me. Giving me lots of time to prepare for my IV, warming my arm up. Seemed genuinely interested in what I do for a living and just a general nice person. She went over all the medications with me. And OFF we were. First, "the red devil" AKA Adriamycin. It came in a rather large syringe and was force fed into my IV.

Next up: Viznblastine. This came in a considerably smaller syringe, but also needed to be force fed. those two were done in no time, next two are your wait time.

Next: Bleomycin. It's a small bag that is dripped directly into my vein. When the drip is complete and alarm goes off and they flush my vein with saline.

Last, but certainly not least: Dastardly Dacarbazine. It's a much large bag that comes out and needs to drip for anywhere from 1 - 2 hours depending on what your veins can handle. Dacarbazine is very irritating to the vein so they have to splice it with Saline. This was the only drug that caused me any grief. It felt like someone was ripping at the inside of my veins. The had to reduce the dosage twice before it was comfortable. ICK.

In the mean time I've found cards to be great at passing the time. Sarah and I played a few rounds of crazy eights and a few of Go-Fish. I had the Pod on me and in general the experience really wasn't that bad. Not what I had anticipated anyway. The needles still suck, but I think they will always suck. I can feel that my body wants to feel ill but I continually take my anti-nausea pills they prescribed for me. I think I will be ok... For now. We will see how I feel tomorrow.

I am going to try to attach the photos from the day.

Where's the "easy" button?

WOAH WOAH WOAH!

My life has suddenly launched into fast forward and I am totally not ready for this....

I get a call from LRCP today...

"Hi, may I please speak to Melissa?"

"This is."

"Hi, this is Dr. Chin-Yee's office calling with some appointments for you"

"Umm.. I had a call from Dr. Lohmann's office yesterday with a few appointments..."

"Yes, some adjustments have been made. The doctors want you to start treatment immediately. So you have your CT scan tomorrow afternoon, then we need you to be at LRCP Thursday the 20th at 9:30 AM for blood work, then you will meet with doctor Lohmann AND doctor Chin-Yee at 10:15 AM and then we are going to send you over for treatment at 11:30AM. "

"....oh... Ok.... Uh... Does that mean I will need a driver?"

"yes. Thanks Melissa, we will see you next week."

AHHH!

I don't want to go.... Does anyone want to go for me? I had asked Sarah to come with me next week thinking I would only be going over treatment plans etc. She can't drive standard so she can't drive me home. AHH AHH

Where is the "easy" button?!?!?!

Gone but also.. forgotten?!

Oh boy, oh boy....

SO latest news on this whole cancer shin-dig? LRCP FORGOT ME.

Yep, you read right, FORGOT me.

Apparently they conveniently forgot to inform me of a CT scan that I was to have LAST WEEK. wow. good job LRCP.

It took me calling the centre, over two weeks after my gallium scan to say "hey, umm... I thought I was supposed to have another appointment with doctor lohmann like, last week. wtf is up?" for them to go "OH YA! hey, you missed your appointment that we never confirmed or called you about" ...idiots...

So, I get a call today, they want me in thursday for my CT scan and then a week later, on thursday for my second appointment at LRCP. I had plans thursday to spend the day with my pony. I guess that will have to be cut short. phooey.

"Just a Horse"

From time to time, people tell me, 'lighten up, it's just a horse,' or, 'that's a lot of money for just a horse'. They don't understand the distance traveled, the time spent, or the costs involved for 'just a horse.'
Some of my proudest moments have come about with 'just a horse.' Many hours have passed and my only company was 'just a horse,' but I did not once feel slighted.
Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by 'just a horse,' and in those days of darkness, the gentle touch of 'just a horse' gave me comfort and reason to overcome the dark.
Those who think it's 'just a horse,' probably also use phrases like 'just a friend,' 'just a sunrise,' or 'just a promise.' 'Just a horse' brings into my life the very essence of friendship, trust, and pure unbridled joy. 'Just a horse' brings out the compassion and patience that makes me a better person.
Because of 'just a horse' I rise early, take long walks, and look longingly to the future. So for me and folks like me, it's not 'just a horse' but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future, the fond memories of the past, and the pure joy of the moment.
'Just a horse' brings out what's good in me and diverts my thoughts away from myself and the worries of the day.
I hope that someday others have the opportunity to understand that it's not 'just a horse' but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being 'just a woman.'
So the next time you hear the phrase 'just a horse,' smile. You are one of the blessed few who understands.

-Author Unknown-

I thought I would post this poem today as i've been told many times along the way that I spend too much money on P. That P takes too much of my "precious time" (no pun intended), That my life should not revolve around a single horse. To that I say my life is forever changed and enriched because of that single horse. She brings to me happiness that I could not find embodied in anything other than her. We communicate on a level that only we can understand. She provides me with unconditional love. I know, without a doubt, that i can trust her with anything and that our partnership is not one that can ever be broken. I am a better person just by knowing her. Only few will ever understand the bond between me and "just a horse".

I have yet to hear anything from the cancer centre regarding my scan. I will call them monday as I hate waiting around. What the hell is the hold up? I am more than half tempted to just go back to work. I am getting bored and irritated just waiting around.

I went to the states last weekend. Was quite funny I set off alarms at the border because of my nuclear isotopes that had been injected a week prior. Danielle and i ate at Olive Garden (my first time) OMG SO yummy. I'd definitely go back again.
Went for Dinner with Tyrone, aka "vin" on thursday. Applebee's. Yum. :) all my other plans for the week fell through because of one reason or another. Weather, timing, illness.

I've been feeling rather awful this week. Also been having some serious issues with my hip. It's now causing my leg to give out randomly. Usually when i go from a seated or lying position to standing and walking. It almost feels like the blood is taking too long to get to my muscles and my leg just gives out. Hopefully this problem is solved once treatment starts.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho It's off to London I Go!

Today is a boring entry. I don't have much interesting to say...
Went for my gallium scan today. Took two hours. I took Ms. Sarah Hern with me, what a trooper! She sat in the waiting room for the two hours, poor thing!
Scans were simple, all I was required to do is not move. BORING!
Second scan I had to rest my arms above my head for 40 minutes. Holy crap it hurt! trying to put my hands back down was excruciating! The cameras came so close to my face at one point I thought it was going to crush my nose it was that close! We'll wait for next week to hear about results.
Ate at the Mongolian Grill for lunch, YUMMMM!!!!
Then a little retail therapy for sarah at White Oaks. Good times! too bad she forgot her phone in my car and I didnt notice until I was home... loser. :) Love you!

radioactive?

I went for my injection of nuclear isotope today, also known as "gallium". It was a lot easier and quicker than I had imagined. I put two hours of parking on the meter and only used 45 minutes. YOUR WELCOME whoever took my spot after me. :P
I met Jennifer Stock prior to my appointment for some Cora's lunch/brunch. MM MM! eggs benedict and home fries and fruit. YUMMY! it's kind of funny how I dismissed jen as a friend in high school... She's really an incredible person and extremely helpful. THANKS JEN! She was my photographer for the day. The nurse originally wasn't going to let her come back with me, but when I explained my goal, she relaxed and let her come back. wonderful! So attached are the pics of the ordeal.. nuclear medicine... who knew! The actual scan with be thursday.Supposed to take upwards of 4 hours!! holy F**. Sarah will be with me though, I am sure we can make it fun.
I visited with Cara too today. She's so cute and pregnant and her fiance was quite pleasant as well. nice to finally meet him.

I went shopping on the weekend. It felt SOOO good. I need to win a shopping spree. Anyone know anyplace that has a contest for one going on? you know how much that would make my YEAR?! OMG I LOVE TO SHOP. the end.

side note: the clothes and shoes were soooo cute. wait to you see me, HOTTIE! HAHAHA! j/k

Dentist appointment tomorrow with the wonderful Dr. Jennifer Gurney-Ozog. Thanks Jen!

Note to self: do not steam clean the carpet with bleach and no goggles or windows open. My eyes and throat burned for hours.

MUST WALK BUDDY.

Oh the song so sweet

Wow...Who would have thought that little ol' me could make an impression on a class in a mere six weeks time.
My class is incredible. They are going to make fantastic nurses. Any one of them I would be glad to have by my side in a time of need. They came together in this time of need for me, and showed me their colours. To each and every one of them who contributed and came out for some eats, thank you. I never expected anything from any one of them, aside from friendship and support throughout the course. Now, I receive support and friendship throughout my disease. What wonderful people. Not only did I get a wonderful bear to hang onto when I have no one else to cry with, but I received a wonderful blanket to warm myself up with when times are cold and rough. I received candles to light my way and FOOD! where would I be without that wonderful substance. On top of all of this they also gave me an large sum of cash which will come in handy when times are rough. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. If you are reading this, you are all lovely and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It is all greatly appreciated.
They are not the only ones to help me out during this time. My work (POW Labs) has be incredibly supportive. With most of the 50/50 winners opting to donate their winnings BACK in order to help me. What have I ever done to deserve such support? They not only have chosen to donate half the 50/50 draw to me, but they also raised well over 700$ for me. How incredible? really? I don't think I have ever been so aware of the love I am surrounded with every day until now. Love that isn't even from people who SHOULD love me. Yes, I show up to work every day, do my job to the best of my ability, and stay the overtime that is required. i talk... a lot... but hey, everyone has their faults! To the employees of POW, thank you for being the family I rarely have. Thank you for loving and supporting me even though there has been days where I did not show the love and support that I maybe should have. This whole disease is changing the way I look at the world. It's amazing. It's a wake up call. Thank you for being there for me whenever I need it. Thank you for not firing me the numerous times I THOUGHT you were going to. I guess I am a better employee than I thought.
MOM: Thank you for being there for me. I am sorry that I am short with you, but it is incredibly hard to expect a close relationship with you when you have never been close to me otherwise. You tell me now that you love me, and I think it is solely from fear of losing me. You don't have to be afraid for me, or strong for me. I grew up a long time ago and I am brave, and strong and i am going to beat this. Just you wait and see. Do things with me because you LOVE me, not because you fear you will never be able to do them with me again. Be real, Be true, and Be YOU.
SARAH: I have said it before, and I will say it again. I love you. You are my friend by choice and my sister by heart. If the roles were reversed I would do exactly as you do for me: be there for me no matter what. I realized a long time ago that you are a true friend. a blue friend. There is nothing in this lifetime I want to do without you. Mikayla is so beautiful. So are you. you are an amazing mother and a shining beacon. You make me smile and laugh and forget that I am sick. I can never lose you as a friend. You know too much.

OK, enough with the sappy shit.

OO, interesting: while buddy and I were walking today, i almost stepped on a garter snake. very cool! he was soooo long.
made me realize that a lot of life we spend looking ahead, to the future (in this case, watching for other dogs as buddy was leashless) and not paying attention to what is right infront of us. maybe I need to wake up a little...

Tirah.

wow, that was a big fat waste of time!

Alright, alright. i haven't updated this thing in a while. I've been busy... walking the dog. etc.
SOOO i finally had my appointment at the London Regional Cancer Centre. April 8th, 12:30PM. WHAT A HUGE WASTE OF MY TIME!
i arrived at the centre at 12, i wanted to pay my ambulance fee while I was there. Went and spoke with the centre first. was informed that i was early (duh!) and i asked where i should go to pay this bill. The woman at the desk directed me to the third floor and off I went.
Returned to the cancer centre right around 12:30. Woman at the desk informed me that the doctors were "about an hour behind". Ok, that's fine. I'm used to that. She handed me clipboard and pen and asked me to fill out "a few questions". Did that, then waited. and waited. Finally was taken by a volunteer to the waiting area to meet with the doctor. I had to fill out some more information and was given a pager.
***side note. funny story. This pager had the looks of a cattle prodder. with two prongs at one end. as I was discussing whether this pager would shock me if I stuck my finger in between the two prongs, i did so and the damn thing went off!! scared the shit right out of me. my mother laughed.***
So I get taken by a lovely nurse for some blood samples. EEEEK! I HATE NEEDLES. ERRRR!
come back to the waiting area and am told that the doctors are "about an hour behind" that I just need to wait for my pager to go off. ok ok. I know.
One o'clock goes by. no page.
Two o'clock goes by. no page.
Three o'clock goes by. no page.
Four o'clock goes by. no page.
FINALLY around 4:30 I am paged to go into a room. asked to remove everything but my underwear and bra, and get into a gown. i asked the nurse how she knew i was wearing any... LOL! so wait for the doctor. Doctor i meet, is not the doctor i had an appointment with... strange i know.
OH WELL!
SOOO he asked me if I knew why i was there. Well ya, I have cancer. Duh. then he asked me if I could tell him anything about my cancer. I told him everything I knew. How long treatment usually is (6-8 months) the type of chemotherapy I will be receiving (ABVD) and that i would be requiring more scans. He told me that obviously he didnt need to tell me anything, said I will need a few more scans before my next appointment and sent me home... WTF?

this is life.

On a happy note, i think, my dog has me whipped. We're been going for two hour long walks almost every day. just putting him outside to run around doesnt cut it. he wants a car ride and a walk.. we've found some really nice trails in the area. keeps me active too. I miss work. boo!

GOOD NEWS!

So yesterday afternoon I finally got a call from Dr. Inculet's office. I have an appointment (finally) at the London Regional Cancer Centre. April 8th, 2010 with Dr. Chin-Yee. PROGRESS!
i cant wait ti know what he has to tell me. learn more about my disease and finally start on the road back to work!

Holy Crap!

Could this take any longer? I have YET to hear from oncology. WTF?!
on a side note, my hip is still out. This is seven weeks. It's painful. I need to see my chiropractor but alas, no money to do so. maybe my mother will pay for it. I will ask. Keira's mom has been fantastic and been trying to help me with my hip issue via massage therapy. I wonder why it just wont let loose?!

I had an amazing weekend full of friends and absolute yumminess!! OMG! haha
first, friday Danielle came up from chatham and we went to revolution in waterloo with Melissa T and her cousin Terri. We had a blast! left a little early, but I danced my fanny off. Danielle stayed the night and we both won a coffee with roll up the rim at tim hortons on our way home from the way. woo! go us!
Saturday afternoon I met with Aaron K. Was nice to see him again and catch up. He's quite concerned about me which was a surprise. He surprises me all the time though, genuine guy he is. Then off to Tyrone's place. Watched some movies, took in his absolute deliciousness (did I mention aaron is quite delicious himself?) and off to home I went after that. trust me, I was FULL from a day of GORGEOUS people. MM MM! haha!
Sunday, my best friend in the entire world came for a visit. I love sarah. We got my car fixed by maciek, met his friend Dominic, and then visited with P and ashley and tori. P is very sore without her shoes on, I am glad she is doing the conversion at ashley's. My heart breaks seeing how uncomfortable she is. She was a doll though and sarah rode her too. I wanted to get pics but alas, we forgot. Got home, chatted some more before sarah left and then Amanda R showed up. went for coffee, caught up. Thanks for the coffee Amanda.
like, honestly? great weekend.
Hope yours was just as wonderful!

like the mountains of the rockies, i am up and down...

I felt like a baby again last night. Awake, asleep, awake, asleep, awake, asleep. The night sweats are getting to the point they are waking me up and making it almost impossible to sleep because they are uncomfortable. Kind of disgusting to think that I am often stirred in my sleep because I feel something crawling across my stomach... turns out that "something" is beads of sweat rolling across my body.

I woke up around 4 AM this morning and was unable to get back to sleep. I decided to go and chase the sunrise. I landed myself at holy cross cemetery in paris. So happens that an old friend of mine's mother is laid to rest there. I remembered how gorgeous the view was when I went with him to take flowers to his mother. There is a fresian breeder not far from there. Maybe I will go take photos of them later. It was interesting to watch the city wake up. how the bustle gets faster and faster and yet more congested.

I am going to attempt to add the photos to the blog this morning. Wish me luck! I have yet to do something technological on the mac. love my mac, but it's confusing sometimes. Thanks goodness for Vince Angeloni. My saviour when it comes to this laptop. I know nothing about apple products.

So back to this hidden disease. Apparently itching is a symptom of the disease. Anyone who knows me will know that I have had a constant un-itchable itch for quite some time now. so itchy I often scratched myself until I bled. I wonder if I had seen a doctor when this first started to occur if I would have been diagnosed earlier? probably not. It would likely have been accounted to my water (like I had thought), or allergies, or, or , or!

I've grabbed some statistics for you guys from the leukemia/lymphoma society. I thought they may be of interest.

Hodgkin's disease is rare. only about 8,500 cases reported last year in the united states. Of that 8,500 cases, it is estimated that 1,300 sufferers will die.

only about 12% of people with hodgkin's will be diagnosed when they are under the age of 20, 32% diagnosed between 20-34.

The most affected race is caucasian.

Approximately 15% of sufferers between the ages of 20-34 die of the disease.

only 1 in 437 people will be diagnosed with hodgkin's lymphoma in their lifetime.

interesting.

On a side note, I think I've found a new drink at starbucks. HELLO carmel apple spice. YUM!

lets look into the surgical pathology!

so, seeing as no doctor has contacted me yet I am doing more research on my own. According to my Surgical Pathology Report my diagnosis is Classical Hodgkin Lymphoma, Nodular sclerosis subtype. So here is some information about this particular subtype of hodgkin's.Nodular sclerosis Hodgkin's disease (NSHD) is the most common subtype of HD and accounts for 65% to 80% of all cases. It tends to occur in adolescents and young adults (under 50 years), and it is the only form of HD that strikes more women than men. The disease typically arises in the lymph nodes of the chest and other sites above the diaphragm, the large abdominal muscle that controls breathing. Bulky tumor growth may occur in the mediastinum (organs and tissues of the middle chest) and it may spread to the tissues of the lungs. Many NSHD patients are diagnosed with Stage 2 disease.

interesting huh?

wait until the cows come home

March 24, 2010 12:30PM: I find myself at a loss for what to do. I called the cancer centre today at victoria hospital and I have yet to be referred to them. What the hell is taking so long? It is not like I have a cold, or a sore arm (ha ha!) I have CANCER. A serious, often times FATAL disease. Really? free health care is great but it would be nice if they worked a little faster.

I have realized lately that my life has been blessed with many good friends. So many people have reached out to me it's incredible. Just monday my fantastic and beautiful hairdresser dyed my hair at no charge. A service I would normally pay around $100 for. She's excited to do hair tattoos when it comes time to shave my hair off. She is very confident that I will still be beautiful sans hair. I find it a little hard to believe. I love my hair... I am scared about it falling out. I know it doesn't define me, but I definitely think hair is a part of being feminine, beautiful, bold. I often use it for expression. I am less afraid of dying than I am of losing my hair. Stupid, huh?

Since I have yet to speak with the lymphoma specialist at Victoria Hospital I have been researching the disease on my own. I do not know what stage I am in and I know that a second CT scan will need to be performed as they only have a picture of my chest cavity. Lymphoma is a blood cancer, so it's not so odd to find myself with it as my biological (asshole) father is currently living with leukaemia. It is highly curable, so that is a bit of a relief. I am so scared I will fall behind financially. STD simply does not provide enough income for a single person who has little family to rely on.

I have recently spawned the idea of starting a photographic chronicle of the disease and my life after. I want to pack my pony up, along with my roomie's pony and drive across this beautiful country of ours. taking photos, and living with the land. I think it would be incredible. I want to attempt to get sponsorship from companies so it costs very little to do this and i would definitely want a job waiting for me at my destination. Come to think of it, does anyone know of cancer survivors who have been discriminated against when looking for a job during remission? I know the lab has a position waiting for me, but maybe I don't belong there? who knows.

Good news of the week: I rode big P yesterday. I love that horse. there is not way, so long as I can help it, that she will ever be taken from me again. She is my soul mate. My best friend.

I am sitting in starbucks in cambridge right now waiting for GORGEOUS miss alex to finish grooming Mr. Budweiser. He stinks. Since he enjoys sleeping in my bed with me at night, I needed to get the stench taken care of.

So what do you all think of this book idea? do you think there is a market for it? Would you read it?

What a Pain in My... Arm?

Where did this blog idea come from I bet you all are asking... Well, often times I have been told by numerous people that I should write a story about my life. This blog is not my life in a nutshell, but a recent life-changing diagnosis that was the last thing on my mind a little over a month ago. Let me tell you how it all started....

Feb 9, 2010, 6:00 AM: My alarm clock has been going off for 25 minutes by now, on five minute intervals. I finally drag my ass out of bed to find myself with excruciating right shoulder pain. Pain like i have never felt before in my life, and trust me, I have felt many-a-pains. I brush it off and account it to a pinched nerve and go to work anyway. Work all day, go home. Milk that night and can barely keep up as my arm is so sore! continue to blame pinched nerve and ignore my body. Even though at this point the pain has been radiating down my arm as well as into my chest.

Feb 10, 11:00 AM: I have been at work since 6:30 AM and my shoulder pain has gotten increasingly more severe to the point of tears. Everyone expresses their concern, insist i need to see a doctor, but being my stubborn-ass self i try to work through the pain. By noon i can no longer deal with it and ask my team leader assistant if I can make a quick phone call. I call my chiropractor and see if she can fit me in ASAP. She tells me if I can leave right away, she can fit me in her schedule in five minutes. I get permission to leave and go to chiropractors, barely able to shift the gears in "betty" (my '04 lancer). Dr. Meyers begins to do her treatment on me. When she lays me onto my back i suddenly cannot breathe. She sits me up and gives me the third degree on overworking my body because I was working three jobs at approximately 77 hours a week. She tells me I need to go to the hospital, its not normal to not be able to breathe when you lay on your back. I pay for my session, get into my car and proceed to call my boss to inform him i will not be returning to work, but going straight to woodstock general hospital. immediately concerned he asks if i need someone to take me, need help, etc etc etc. again my stubborn self rears its ugly head and resists any sort of help. I drive myself over to woodstock general hospital with the pain now radiating through my chest as well, park illegally and admit myself to emergency. Now it gets interesting...

The triage nurse starts to take my vitals and questions me as to extreme dizziness or ill feeling. ??? no...?? my ARM HURTS.... "well your heart rate is about twice what it should be, we need to get you stabilized" ... stabilized??? MY ARM HURTS!! not my heart, my arm!

Feb 10, 2010 4:30PM: I am returning from receiving a chest x-ray, and now the nurse wants to stick a needle in my ass for pain. grrreat.... not! the doctor then enters the room and says he wants to just take a "look around" to see where the pain is coming from. He starts up an ultrasound machine and proceeds to take a look at my abdomen. Every time he runs the ultrasound handle down my right side of my stomach it sends sharp pain through my chest. WHAT is going on?! not finding anything via an ultrasound he asks me to sit in the hall as there is another patient who needs my bed and I am unable to lay down now due to the pain in my chest/arm. EE GAD! while waiting in the hall, said doctor then returns and asks me very warily "has anyone young in your family spontaneously died?" ... ummm... WHAT? no... not to my knowledge and I certainly hope I am not the first! he then tells me that he's not sure what he sees on the x-ray but it concerns him and he's sending me to london to have a cat scan and see a cardiac surgeon. They take blood, get me on a stretcher, put THREE IV's in and as we are waiting for the paramedics to arrive i call me boss and ask him if he can come move my car that is illegally parked seeing as no one knows how to drive a manual vehicle. Automatically I put him into a panic but he moves my car for me anyway and off to london I go!

Feb 9, 2010 6:00PM: i arrive at london hospital, more blood is taken my IV drips are changed and i am bombarded with questions, rushed up to CT and i am asked to eat this thick white jello-type substance that tastes like bad tapioca. My CT scan is taken of my chest cavity and I meet with the cardiac surgeon in the hall. Surgeon: "well, good news is your aorta is not split and bleeding so you wont be requiring any emergency surgery tonight. bad news? your aorta is enlarged. Do you experience night sweats? fatigue?" Me:"well, yes. but I work three jobs so i am always tired and I think i sweat at night because of my sheets" doctor:"well, you have a sizeable tumour in your chest that is pressing down on your lungs and heart." WOW!! ok... umm... what now? Doctor:"you're going to require a biopsy of that. we'll send a refferal to a thoracic surgeon and get you on your way."

OK. So at this point I am going "my arm hurt... wtf is going on?" strange... unexpected. They send me back to woodstock at 1 AM and woodstock discharges me around 8. my boss comes to pick me up and return me to my car. Now the waiting begins....

Feb 12, 2010 9:00AM: my GP's office calls me. my chest pain has increased and moved through my shoulder blade. Dr. Sprowl wants me to come in asap. I have an appointment that afternoon. i go in to see him, he asks questions, gets angry with the service i received and and starts to make phone calls.

Feb 19, 2010: a week later. still no information. I am taking percocets every day to maintain the pain. not cool. start making phone calls.

Feb 21, 2010: I finally get through to someone. i have an appointment with Dr inculet, a thoracic surgeon, for a preoperative exam.

Feb 24, 2010: I visit with dr inculet and he wants to do surgery ASAP. the size and mass of the tumour in my chest is concerning. he sends me for my pre-op work (MORE needles!) and tells me he will try to have my surgery early the next week.

Feb 26, 2010: I receive a call from dr inculet's assistant. I am scheduled in for surgery at 8am Tuesday, march 2nd 2010. I must arrive at Victoria hospital for 6 AM. ugh...

Mar 2, 2010, 6:00AM: I. Am. So. TIRED! i get into Victoria Hospital and when all is said and done I am ready for surgery at about 7:30AM. after a few more needles and IV's. did I mention I HATE NEEDLES?! 8:00 AM i am moved to surgery, and put under. i wake up a few hours later in a haze and strangely know the nurses name... emily... very weird. my neck HURTS. it's amazing how a little incision can hurt so bloody much! by 12:30PM I am discharged and mother and I proceed to tim hortons, get meds, and stop at my work to give them an update. now it's a waiting game.

Mar 16, 2010: I was so tired of calling and calling and calling and receiving no answers that I had my doctors office call the surgeon, have the pathology report faxed over and make a copy for me. turns out I have hodgkin's Lymphoma. WTF is that? well my friends, that's a blood cancer that affects people between 15-35 usually. most common treatment is chemotherapy. FUN STUFF.